OPINION: My best friend works very hard all day solving the world’s problems. The same woman who catches a train every day at a ridiculous hour and commutes back home in the dark admitted to me a few weeks ago that she would “bless” a level 4 lockdown, if only for a few days, to keep her it could sleep in.
I reminded her from my very selfish point of view that this could very well thwart my plans for New Zealand Fashion Week and a short break to Waiheke. However, I understood their nasty secret dream scenario. Oh how little we knew
“Where do you use your giant electric leaf blower?” I asked her on Facebook Messenger just 24 hours after it was locked.
“I use my leaf blower to remove all of the dust in my house.” She answered. Her voice was a little hard to hear over the roar of the leaf blower.
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“Babe, I don’t think that sounds like a good idea and are you bored already?”
That was the woman who had prayed for sleep.
She is bored. How bored do you have to be to decide to blow leaves your entire indoor living space? I also worry a little about her mental health by the time we get to day 12 of full lockdown. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t do some pretty “weird” things during lockdown last year, and a little this year, but I’ll be the one to say some things out loud.
There are some things we people do during times like this (unprecedented times, there’s a flashback to 2020) that maybe a little unnecessary. I am guilty of one or two. So maybe let’s take a look at this list of anti-lockdown life hacks.
Remember, you heard somewhere that the dirtiest item in any hotel room and in your home is the TV remote control. Go find meths, find acetone and cotton swabs, and thoroughly clean this remote control. The smut that comes off is worth an update on Snapchat history. Not realizing that most of the debris removed is color and the identification of symbols for control functions. Now with a black plastic mystery box on the left. Will I turn on the TV? No, I don’t want to adjust the brightness, thanks. How do I get back to neon? Who would have thought there was even a channel with 24/7 preachers? (Take my word for it. The remote control is fine.)
If you disinfect everything in the house, you don’t have to use Janola completely undiluted. This does not have to be used generously, especially on formica or kitchen countertops made of wood. Not only does this ruin the rather expensive faucets and make them look like shit, but it also makes the husband very grumpy. (Not my story. Mother of a very close friend).
The decision to thoroughly clear out the bedroom, which has slowly become an office / bedroom / storage room, because you have time and you never know when a beautiful man might want to stop by. “Come here!” You can hardly say. if your room looks like a work-office party, it really went wrong. The thing is, there won’t be any “hithering”, is there? I now have a spotless bedroom that has no imminent clash or “hithering” of any kind that is likely to take place. Not now. Probably not after the lockdown.
Hello Mr. Compulsive Lawn Mowing Man. Yes you know him. He mowed the lawn yesterday too, but it is growing fast. “Put down the catcher, Buster, and get away from your lawnmower!” Nothing grows. The blades are scared. You are very scared.
The supermarket is a place where you can buy groceries and essentials when needed. It’s not a lockdown escape destination. I say this because I stood in line for 90 minutes next to a man (six meters apart and fully masked) in the supermarket. I finally got to half a can of week-old beetroot hummus, a block of chocolate, and a bottle of cherry-flavored kombucha (what was I thinking when I bought this two years ago?) And so I reluctantly strolled to the grocery store for real food . I bought crazy things like bread, meat, vegetables and cola with no sugar. He bought “an avocado”. AN AVO! Not even two for $ 4. I think he was a simulant. Was that avocado worth the risk, buddy?
The passionate bread baking that occurs. At Tip Top and Nature’s Fresh, Molenberg, Freya’s, Plowman’s and the like, bread is made by experts, and yet some people have gone to every supermarket in the area and bought every bottle and cube of yeast off every shelf. Let the rest of us make a pizza crust from scratch, right? I think worthy of a ‘yeast infection‘.
During the 1.0 lockout, I was manic with my hand sanitizer and it could be argued that I should get an MBE for my service to the disinfection community, but through this disinfection I actually created a condition that made my nails and nail beds so dry began to “lift” off the nail beds. Not like a missile, more like a slow detachment. Every 15 minutes, not strictly necessary if you are not leaving your home.
A very good friend is locked up on her small lifestyle farm. She talks a lot to her dog. I told her that if she starts talking to and naming her sheep, such as Luna, Jackson, Baaaaaabara, Estelle, Lochlan, Lava and Peter, she should probably have regular Zoom meetings with a psychologist.
Peter, what an excellent name for a sheep.